1. You are low maintenance.
You show up to the park with your floppy glove that looks like left over roast beef, a shinguard missing some straps, a chest protector held together with tape, and a mask with so much pine tar on it you can’t read the team logo anymore, and you wouldn’t have it any other way. You don’t complain about the conditions behind the plate whether its a sandbox or a swamp and even though every joint in your body is screaming at you to stop, especially your knees, you will never admit to being hurt.
2. You are the smartest guy on the field.
You know the situation and how to execute every play from every position on the field. You are anticipating the play not only the pitch before, but pitches before, maybe even innings before. You see the big picture. You remember a swing a kid took on a certain pitch two weeks ago and call the same pitch. You’ve picked up the opposing coaches signs and its not even the second inning. And you definitely have spotted that kids hot sister on the other team without letting your coach notice sitting in the bleachers behind third base.
3. You are a people person.
You and the umpire are exchanging phone numbers before the end of the third inning so you can figure out your Thanksgiving plans together. The opposing batters hate you because you distract them talking about total nonsense and using corny jokes so they go back to the bench trash talking you but deep down saying damn, that kids the man. Your first base coach yells at you to pay attention to the pitcher and stop talking to the first basemen, but you already peeked in and saw a curveball is coming so you take a little extra on your lead and swipe second, but because you’re a catcher and probably run a 7.5 60yd dash you need the element of surprise and to appear as not a base stealing threat.
4. You are a badass.
You don’t pop 10 ibuprofen before the game like the pitcher, you deal with a little uncomfort in your elbow. Hell you might even need Tommy John, but there is no way that baserunner is getting to second. The pitcher spikes 96 and you block it with your bare forearm, you didn’t even notice the compound fracture coming out of your arm. YOU NEVER WEAR KNEE SAVERS. The 250lb left fielder who is really an all-state linebacker verbally committed to play at Florida State who has been arrested for assault and genuinely enjoys inflicting pain on others and is just playing baseball for fun railroads you at home but you hold on for the tag and walk back to the dugout without even acknowledging the fact that you just experienced something similar to being hit by a Mack truck doing 65 on the highway.
5. If you were a pitcher you swear you’d throw 94.
Everyone always asks how hard you think you’d throw off a mound and every time the answer is the same, you’d sit 94. The good news is you will never actually get on a mound so there is no evidence you actually throw 86 and you just have incredible footwork and a quick transfer when you throw down to second.
6. All the girls want you.
When you walk out to take your position all the girls go crazy. You’ve got the swag turned up with some wrist tape just high enough up the forearm to get the vascularity popping, some type of native american war design drawn on your face in eye black, and the custom oakley radars with fire iridium lenses under a two piece skull cap and mask. Your jersey is a size too small so your biceps are looking good and when you squat the girls get their money’s worth because we all know the only reason girls come to see a baseball game is for the guys butts in baseball pants. You act like the enforcer when someone exchanges words with your pitcher and you jump right in between them and the girls imagine you fighting for them. They know how you handle the emotionally fragile pitchers and pretend to relate to their problems to get them to throw 93 on the black at the knees and imagine you listening to all their bullshit problems and pretending like you relate.
7. Your bag smells like there is a dead animal inside.
Catching doubleheaders in the hot summer sun of Texas makes you sweat a bit. All that sweat is absorbed into your gear and there really isn’t a way to clean it so when you unzip that catchers bag its like you are hit in the face by a mix of roadkill and rotten eggs. You are so use to it though you don’t even smell it anymore, but when you walk down the dugout you leave a trail of unconscious teammates behind you.
8. You have mastered how to catch a bullpen without a cup.
Coach asks you to catch a quick bullpen, but you forgot your cup. You obviously aren’t going to tell him that, but you certainly have to protect the family jewels. What do you do? You work on your “Yadi stance.” This is that awkward position where you face your body to a 90 degree angle with the mound and just turn your head and glove toward the pitcher. Its just something that goes unspoken between you and your coach. He knows why you are doing it, but knows he needs you to catch the pen so he doesn’t say anything.
9. You really were never that strong of a hitter.
You know that catching is the quickest way to the big leagues and most big league catchers can hit .260 and be considered a good player. You have some power potential and are really good at lifting a fly ball to right to get the runner in from third, but you never are going to win a batting title. But when people ask if you can hit, you say you are going to be the next guy to hit .400 in the big leagues.
10. You are like the bridge between the pitchers and position players.
You know all your pitchers weird tendencies and rituals. You listen to them complain about how they don’t get enough run support from the offense and how they wish they didn’t have to show up to games when they weren’t scheduled to pitch. You also listen to the position players complain about how pitchers spend so much time on PFP’s and still mess them up and how you don’t understand how someone can’t throw a bp fastball on command and walk three guys in a row. You are like a foster child, you just can’t seem to find a home. You’re like the Swiss, when ever there is a world war you try and remain neutral.